Vincette Valentine
by crazy novelist-san
Summary: Rated for language only and some use of Cerberus. A crack fic for my sissy Mai-chan. Vincent meets a young girl that looks almost exactly like him in the doctors office. DOES VINCENT HAVE A DAUGHTER?


"For the record, I want it known that I consider myself kidnapped and brought here against my will."

"Wow Vincent, I think that's the longest sentence you've spoken all week!" Yuffie said pleasantly, only serving to deepen the disappointed scowl that was thought to be permanently affixed to Vincent Valentine's face.

"Look you, shut up and I mean right now, that wound is turning green for Planet's sake!" Tifa said now getting angry with Vincent's obstinate to the point of being childish behavior. "You are going to the doctor and if you have anything more to say on the subject I'll introduce you to my right hook. I don't think the two of you have been properly introduced."

"You don't want to be introduced; six of my teeth are fake replacements because I was 'introduced' to her right hook." Cloud said, leaning forward in his waiting room chair to see around Tifa. He pointed to the left side of his mouth, Vincent grimaced.

"Can I at least inquire as to WHY everyone is here at the clinic if it's only me who's actually going to see the doctor?"

There was an immediate answer from everyone, and further to the humiliation they answered in unison. "We don't trust you to actually go through with it."

"Think of it this way, we care about your well being Vincent." Cait Sith offered, riding on Red XIII's head, as he so often did these days.

"I don't give a rancid dead rat's ass about your well being, Barret and I have a bet going on, on whether or not you're the type who gets squeamish about needles." Cid said taking a long covert drag from his cigarette. Keeping an wary eye on the nurse that kept stealing his cigarettes as she told him that there was no smoking aloud in the doctor's office.

"And which do you think I am?" Vincent asked glaring dangerously between the two of them, Barret gulped but Cid just snorted, "Hell if we're going to tell you! We're not a pair of dumbasses."

"You made the bet and then told him about it didn't you?" Cloud countered without missing a beat.

"Vincette Valentine?" called the young apprentice nurse from the doorway; Vincent stood up, annoyed that she had mispronounced such a simple name.

"My name is Vince--" Vincent stopped speaking, he was stunned at what he was seeing.

What Vincent saw was a little girl who couldn't be more then seven years old. She had long flowing black hair and bangs that fell into her eyes even with her red headband. Her hair was done up into two high pigtails and tied off with wide red ribbons. She wore a mostly red sailor suit school uniform. It was bordered with two black lines. She wore black stockings and bright yellow shoes. On her left arm there were several gold bracelets and she carried a sparkly yellow purse.

Yuffie went into shock, it was a very good thing that they were in a clinic. Barret looked at Vincent with new eyes, now seeing the standoff-ish vampire-esque man as a kindred spirit. After all they were both fathers! Cloud inserted a finger in his ear to attempt to clear out the wax that had caused him to misinterpret the little girl's name. Tifa fainted, Cid was so stunned the cigarette actually fell out of his mouth. Cait Sith was bursting at the seams with either suppressed hysterical laughter or shocked screams. Only Red XIII seemed unaffected by the little girl, who had so far done nothing but walk by them.

"And you are sir?" the nurse asked politely, Vincent, not knowing what the heck was going on quickly stated his name. Yuffie fainted too; Cloud didn't look particularly inclined to stay conscious either.

"Then please, come right this way." The nurse said gesturing through the doors. Vincent and the little girl, Vincette both followed the nurse.

Vincent was grateful that he was going to get this over with quickly and then started to wonder why the walls were decorated with smiling animals and clouds. He looked down and found stickers of footsteps in many different sizes and colors going off in different directions on the floor. Even the nurses wore scrubs with cartoons and bright colored patterns. He began to feel insulted. He hadn't been treated as a child in over fifty years. Because half a century ago he actually WAS a child.

The nurse led them both into a room where they took Vincette's height and weight. She told them that she felt achy and she had a cough and she was stuffed up. When Vincent was asked her temperatures she immediately rattled several numbers off like she had learned them by heart.

The nurse looked impressed and said that Vincent should be proud that she was such a smart girl. Vincent merely nodded and waited for them to finish with the girl so he could get out of there as soon as possible.

The nurse smiled and began to ask more questions, this time directly to Vincette. Vincette answered them all and eventually the nurse stood up , gathered her papers and turned to leave the room, "The doctor will be with you shortly," she said with that same pleasant smile she had worn the entire time, it was starting to get on Vincent's nerves. "He's just finishing up with another patient."

Vincent was about to stop the nurse saying, "What are you doing?! Don't leave me in here with this kid!" but did nothing, in the hopes that this was a quiet child that would leave him alone if he left her alone.

The door was shut and the little girl sat on the table swinging her legs idly as she hummed a happy tune that Vincent didn't recognize; so much for her being a quiet child...

"Hi, I'm Vincette Valentine! Are you my daddy?" Vincent's eyes widened and he felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Oh, the tactlessness and complete honesty of youth, you shall be the death of our fair Vincent.

"I, I don't know." He said honestly and suddenly his mind was besieged with questions.

Who was this girl?

Was this some kind of sick joke?

WAS he her father?

How old was she?

Could it have been hojo? He did have stores of Vincent's DNA...  
Who was the mother?

Did he owe child support then?

How many kids did he have if Hojo was spreading the Valentine genes everywhere?

Wait a minute that was if this kid actually WAS his! How could he prove his innocence?

Damn DNA…

Damn Hojo…

Damn Kid…

Did she have his EYES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? She did! Those were his eyes! He was screwed! Her eyes were ruby red!

Does she have siblings?

She better not…

Maybe he was the grandfather… then he wouldn't owe child support…

But if he was the grandfather, who was the grandmother?

Why were all the secretaries in Shinra WOMEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Please let it have been Lucrecia. Please let it have been Lucrecia.

I'm screwed aren't I?

Damnit.

END chapter 1!

LATER!!!!!: Doctor with needle coming towards Vincent. But Vincent has his Cerberus gun... 


End file.
